Principle Overview:
Carnegie explains that he once attended a dinner party where he met a botanist whom he found to be absolutely fascinating. He listened for hours with excitement as the botanist spoke of exotic plants and indoor gardens, until the party ended and everyone left.
Before leaving, the botanist told the host of the dinner party that Carnegie was a “most interesting conversationalist” and gave him several compliments.
Of course, Carnegie had hardly said anything at all. What he had done was listen intently. He listened because he was genuinely interested.
“And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk,” Carnegie notes.
Even the most ill-tempered person, the most violent critic, will often be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener.
Take for example, a store clerk. If the clerk constantly interrupts and irritates customers, those customers are more likely to start arguments and bring frustrations and complaints to the store manager. But a clerk who is willing to listen could calm even a customer who storms in already angry.
Most of us are so concerned with what we are going to say next that we don’t truly listen when someone else is speaking. Yet, most people would prefer a good listener to a good talker.
Carnegie describes a story from a man named Edward Chalif, who was planning to ask the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay for his son to go on a Boy Scout trip.
Before Mr. Chalif went to see him, he had heard that this man had drawn up a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed. Upon meeting the man, he mentioned how much he admired the check and would love to see it.
The man was thrilled! He talked about the check for some time, until he realized he hadn’t asked why Mr. Chalif was there to see him. When Mr. Chalif mentioned his request, the man agreed without any questions and even offered to fund the trip for several other boys as well.
Mr. Chalif later explained, “If I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.”
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests benefits both parties.
How often do we notice someone who looks very down, or bored - perhaps someone whose job is very repetitive or someone whose boss doesn’t give him or her much recognition? Maybe it’s a store clerk, or the mailman, or our hair dresser. What could we say to that person to cheer them up?
We could think of something about them that we honestly admire. This might sometimes be difficult with a stranger, but we should push ourselves to think of something, and mention it to them.
When Carnegie describes having this type of interactions with a stranger, he notes that many people have asked him what he was trying to get out of the person. His response:
Instead of starting with “You’re wrong,” what if we were to say, “Well now, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. If I am wrong, I want to know why. Let’s examine the facts.”
The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude. It also (hopefully) inspires our opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as we are.
In fact, it’s really not the ideas themselves that are so important to us, but our self-esteem, which is threatened when we are told that we’re wrong. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities.
Practice Principle 2:
Next time you find yourself becoming frustrated or disagreeing with another person’s perspective, stop yourself from shaking your head, and adjust how you phrase your opinion:
“No, you’re wrong.”
✓ “Why do you see it that way?”
“No, that’s the wrong way to tackle.”
✓ “Why do you think that’s the best option to pursue?”
You might even ask the other person for permission to share your perspective on the matter, which readies the other person to listen to your ideas in a less critical mindset.
Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a police officer who scolded him, as this was against the law. The next few times Carnegie took his dog out, he kept him on a leash, but the dog didn’t like it. So the next time, Carnegie let the dog run free. When he ran into that same police officer, he knew he would be in trouble.
Instead of waiting for the police officer to start reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officer had caught him red-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officer had already warned him. The policeman responded in a soft tone, told Carnegie he was overreacting, and that he should take his dog to the other side of the hill where he wouldn’t see him.
If we know we’re going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?
Through Carnegie’s quick and enthusiastic admission of fault, he gave the police officer a feeling of importance. After that, the only way the policeman could nourish his self-esteem was to take a forgiving attitude and show mercy.
Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers, that they are able to shift the strikers’ perspectives and win their loyalty by addressing their needs as friends and peers, instead of suppressing their voices and acting as dominants.
Practice Principle 4:
When you find yourself about to scold your children, act as a domineering boss, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your approach by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone.
Ask how your husband’s work presentation went, or ask your employee for her thoughts on your last team meeting. Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.
When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. We should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we’re both striving for the same result - our differences are in method, but not purpose.
The key is to keep our opponent from saying “no,” as this is a very difficult sentiment to overcome. As soon as someone says “no,” all of her pride rests upon her being consistent with that “no.” When a person says “no,” she immediately withdraws herself and guards against acceptance.
What we want to do instead is get the person saying “yes” as soon as possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open attitude.
Socrates has become very famous for the “Socratic method,” by which one asks another person questions with which they have to agree.
Practice Principle 6:
Fight the urge to talk about yourself by learning to be comfortable with short silences in conversation. We’re often tempted to jump in and talk about ourselves when the other person stops talking, but if we stay quiet and wait for them to keep talking, chances are they will have more to say.
Life Hack Resource: How To Be A Good Listener That Others Want To Talk To
Don’t you feel much more strongly about ideas that you came up with than ideas that are handed to you by others? If so, why should we try to jam our ideas down other peoples’ throats? Isn’t it much wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion?
No one likes to feel like they’re being told what to do. We much prefer to think independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about what we think and what we want.
So how can we use this to our advantage? When we’re trying to win someone to our way of thinking, we can guide them there - get them halfway or so - and then step back and let them see the idea through to completion.
Take the case of a man named Mr. Wesson, who sold sketches for a design studio. He failed hundreds of times in getting one of the leading New York stylists to buy his sketches. One day, he tried a new approach. He took several incomplete sketches to the stylist and asked how he could finish the designs in such a way that the stylist would find them useful. The stylist offered his ideas, Mr. Wesson had the sketches completed according to the buyer’s ideas, and they were all accepted.
If we’re truly only after the results, why care about the credit? Why not let someone else take the spotlight, so long as we can achieve what we’re out to get?
Practice Principle 7:
Let’s say you’re trying to convince your boss to let you take the lead on a new project, or you’re trying to close a sale with a new customer. Before going into that conversation, write out a list of questions that would lead your boss or customer to the conclusion you’d like them to draw.
For your boss, it might be:
- How big of a priority is getting this project done in a timely manner?
- Would you trust this project to an entry-level employee or prefer someone more senior?
- How does the priority of this project compare to the priorities of my current projects?
For your customer, it might be:
- What goal are you trying to solve by purchasing this type of product?
- How do you see our product helping you solve those goals?
One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think they are.
Don’t condemn them; try to understand them.
If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view.
Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.
Practice Principle 9:
Next time you approach a disagreement with someone, take a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person:
- What sort of pressures would you be working under?
- What would your goals and priorities be?
- What sort of relationships do you have with the other people involved?
Show the other person that you genuinely understand their perspective, by saying things like, “I completely understand why you see it that way,” or, “I know it would be helpful for you if ...”
People usually have two reasons for doing things -- one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don’t need to point it out. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.
In order to change people, we must appeal to the nobler motives.
Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:
“Mr. Doe, I have listened to your story and I still don’t believe you intend to move. I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final.”
The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. By appealing to the tenant’s nobler motives, the landlord was able to persuade him successfully.
Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair.
Practice Principle 10:
When you’re trying to convince someone to do something, start by thinking of a few positive traits that that person tries hard to embody (or conversely, would be ashamed to be told he does not have).
For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. Work these ideas in when you mention to your son that you know he’s extremely responsible about his chores, so you were surprised to see that he didn’t make his bed this morning or when you tell your boss that you respect his fairness when it comes to deciding who deserves a promotion.
HBR Resource: Why Wise Leaders Root Themselves in Noble Purpose
To be effective in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it’s not enough to merely state a truth. If we truly want someone’s attention, we have to present that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way.
We get down on one knee when we propose as an act of dramatization - we’re showing that words alone aren’t enough to express that feeling.
We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.
Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him.
Practice Principle 11:
Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. When you’re designing your next meeting presentation or sales pitch, think of some ways to engage other senses or appeal to deeper concerns. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message?
HubSpot Resource: 7 Public Speaking Tips From the World's Best Presenters
Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.
When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a challenge.
Practice Principle 1:
The key is an age-old technique called a 'criticism sandwich.' When you're going to offer negative feedback, start with a compliment. Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, part ways with another positive compliment.
As Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and New York Times best-selling author, puts it, "It’s amazing what a little positive at the beginning and end can do."
Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we’re looking to change people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply changing one three-letter word can be our key to success.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and their critical statement. For example, a parent trying to convince her son to care more about his school work might say, “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester.But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would’ve done even better.”
In this case, Billy might feel encouraged right up until he hears the word “but,” which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word “but” makes it seem like the praise was only a contrived lead-in to his mother’s criticism.
However, this situation could easily be reversed by changing the word “but” to “and.” See how different it sounds: “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others.”
Now it’s much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because there was no follow-up with direct criticism.
The next step to changing people’s ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes.
It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect.
Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary. Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age.
When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself. “But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?” he concluded.
Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was mostly seasonal. As a result, every year he had to let a lot of employees go once the tax rush was over. He began by sitting each down and explaining, “Of course, you understood you were only employed for the busy season…” but naturally, he was met with disappointment.
He then decided to begin the conversation by instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them. The result? The employees walked away knowing that if the business had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves.
We are so quick to criticize that we seldom offer others the opportunity to save face, especially when a considerate word or two and a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude is all it would take to alleviate the sting.
Practice Principle 5:
When you have to deliver a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, think about how you can make the person feel good about himself first.
Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others or setting up a situation that will be embarrassing for the person. Think to yourself, “If I were him, how would I like to hear this news?” and design your environment and your approach accordingly.
Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Can you think of a time when a few words of praise have had a hand in shaping the person you've become?
One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential. We can do this by praising their strengths. Yet, this is something we do so infrequently. It's much easier to point out someone's faults. Even when it's tough to find things to praise, try hard to find something.
We should also praise often. By noting even small steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving.
Carnegie offers an example of a mechanic named Bill whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Bill into his office and told him:
“You are a fine mechanic, you have been in the business for many years, and we’ve had a number of compliments on the good work you have done. But lately, your work has not been up to your own old standards, and I thought you’d want to know since you’ve been such an outstanding mechanic in the past.”
The result? Bill once again became a fast and thorough mechanic. With the reputation his manager had given him to live up to, how could he not?
Practice Principle 7:
When you’re trying to change someone’s mind, give them a reputation to live up to by saying something like:
“I respect the fact that you’re always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”
Appeal to their nobler motives of responsibility, fairness, openness, diligence, etc.
If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, we strip them of any motivation to improve. If instead, we use the opposite technique and openly encourage them as they take steps toward improvement, we’ll inspire a much higher level of motivation to continue.
Carnegie offers an example of a boy who was struggling with algebra. His father made flashcards for him, and every night his father would time him on how long it took for him to get all of the cards right. Their goal was to do it in under eight minutes.
The first night, it took 52 minutes. The boy thought he’d never get there! But every time he knocked off a few minutes - 48, then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and even made it fun, until he got so good that he hit his goal and did it in eight minutes.
Practice Principle 8:
Rather than simply telling someone they’re goal is out of reach, find ways to encourage small victories when possible. These smaller compliments can help make room for sharing guidance while keeping them inspired.
Whether these small victories come in the form of eating reese’s pieces every time a work task is complete or dancing a jig when your song gets a math, recognizing progress can go a long way.
The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do.
If you’re having a hard time convincing your child to do a chore, offer to pay her a dollar for every time she does it, and take away a dollar for every time she doesn’t.
If you choose another internal candidate for the job, tell the one who didn’t get the job that you felt he was too important to the organization in his current role to reassign him.
If you have an employee who struggles with a certain task, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and watch as she improves immediately.
Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person happily accept our decisions and do what we want them to do.
Practice Principle 9:
To be an effective leader, keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
1.Be sincere. Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver.
2. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
4.Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
It is naive to think that by implementing these techniques, we'll always get the outcome we desire. But the experience of most people shows that we are more likely to change attitudes with these approaches than by not using these principles. Even if we increase our success by a mere 10%, we have become 10% more effective as leaders than we were before.
With practice, it will become even more natural to apply these principles every day, and soon we will be masters of the art of human relations.